lauraslw

Saturday, June 09, 2018

April '18

April was my favourite month to date. It started out freezing, white covered in snow. Then finished with glorious sunshine and paddling pool fun in the garden.

It rained a lot and we enjoyed the moment and splashed in puddles and danced. Our socks got wet and our hair soggy but we laughed. Suddenly we had to swap our winter coats for t shirts and the sky treated us to rainbows and crazy fire sunsets.

We went to the farm and Oscar made friends with a sheep, dug in the sand and wow'd a lot at the tractors. Just before we left he met a snake and touched it - huge achievement for the little boy scared of the tiniest fly! Tired from so much walking we finished the day with a lovely meal and ice cream in a warm pub.

The garden started to turn green and the flowers sprung their first buds. We spent hours painting the fences and had our first BBQ of the year on a picnic blanket in the grass. Oscar's paddling pool made an appearance and he played and splashed in it for hours until he shivered as the sun went in. We sunbathed whilst he napped and enjoyed the peace. That night G lit a fire and we cuddled on the hammock and watched the bats and the stars in the sky.

When G was at football I cooked a roast for family and Oscar stayed up late playing and chewing ears off. The next day G went off to work so Oscar and I went to the park and explored in the trees finding dens and looking at all of the new flowers. Having a toddler is like living life as a child again. Seeing the beauty in everything. Recognising things that you wouldn't have seen before.

Blossom started to appear on trees so we took our first trip to the garden centre and bought a peony bush and a rose bush. We spent hours in the garden pulling up weeds, cutting the grass and planting things. At the end of the sunny days we were tired and full of sweat and mud.

I took a leap and went to an interview for a part time job working in HR which I did before Maternity. Despite feeling so grateful to not have to work and loving spending so much time with Oscar, I needed a break. I needed to use my brain again and engage in adult conversation. It was hard to admit but being a full time mum would make my anxiety a million times worse some days. I felt like I didn't know how to engage with adults anymore. I would isolate myself and feel afraid to leave the house because everybody would be staring at me and seeing how much weight I'd put on, or how ugly I'd got. It was like I had a pass to lock myself away in the house and eat and stop taking care of myself. It wasn't fair on anybody. Somedays it got so bad that I would imagine awful, horrible things happening to me if I left the house. I'd plan a great day out with Oscar and I'd make excuses as to why we couldn't do it.

My interview came and I was so nervous, which was strange because I'd always been confident attending them in the past. I did well and was offered the job. A little part of me was gutted because it was a step back career and salary wise, but the other part of me was grateful for such a flexible job working 20 hours a week, around Oscar, so I accepted it.

I had my first and second week and automatically my confidence started to come back. I lost a bit of weight and bought myself new clothes and I felt transformed. I felt like a little bit of my old pre-baby self had come creeping out of the shadows.

Oscar loved nursery and we all enjoyed and appreciated our time together so much more. On our days off we went for a walk around the reservoir and threw stones into the water. We bought bubbles and blew them in the garden and then tried to pop them all.

Life was just starting to feel that much better with the warm weather and longer nights and purpose. Here's hoping that May brings more sunshine!